Tuesday, November 8, 2011

For Messers Obrand and Rapkowski.

Dear Shmoo and Nu,
I am currently streaming this game online and watching the Habs on the Powerplay. They are about as successful as a nervous 16 year old trying to find a place to stick his fingers the first time he puts his hand down a girls pants. So basically they are the opposite of Brandon Golfman.
They have had more shorty scoring against them than an orgy at the special olympics.
I should be writing my 2,000 Political Science paper, but I value your friendships much more than a stupid passing grade in University.
You are both the worst type of people.
P.S. This picture is what you are probably doing to eachother.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

The Comeback. Habs at Blues.

I was actually looking forward to this game because it would be an awesome foray back into blogging by bringing up that after almost a full season of hockey, the "fans" who booed Carey Price in the pre-season would finally have to face the oh so sweet music called "Surprise! You're a bunch of friggin' tards!" Maybe when they saw that Carey Price is top ten in every major statistical category (including first in wins and second in shutouts) they would finally shut up about trading away Jaroslav Halak who ranks an impressive 22nd in wins and 33rd in save percentage. Perhaps they would also shut up about Lars Eller being useless and a bust, since his heroics were a huge part of our victory against Boston and he has recorded 5 points in as many games. I'm not a dick, but I really wanted to "I told you so" the shit out of some hapless trolls. Yes that's a Charlie Sheen reference, the Habs are "WINNING!" aren't they?
Unfortunately the ineptitude of the National Hockey League to address the safety of it's young players following the events of March 9th has left a big fart cloud over the city. Everything you could think of has been said concerning the matter and I think it's just time to wish Max Pacioretty a speedy recovery and get on to playing. The Blues are a non playoff team so therefore of course they will be a serious challenge to the Canadiens. Let's just forget about Zdeno Chara, Air Canada and however you spell "Turn-buckle" and get two big points tonight. The game is in St. Louis so there will be no assholes who will boo Halak even thought they probably bought one of those stupid stop sign T-Shirts over the summer. Enjoy the game, go Habs, and if any of you fine young ladies practice the art of erotic dance, why don't you stop by the Montreal General Hospital tonight to pay a certain young Canadien a visit. I'm sure his fiancee won't mind. It's for the good of the team.
Peace true believers,

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Concerning the events of March 9th 2011.

I know what you are thinking.
Hey here's another close minded homer who wants to take big Z's massive head and stick it up on a pike.
Gee that's visceral.
I want to move away from the blood wrath and more to an open letter to the NHL.

Dear NHL,
So... You guys must think you are pretty funny.
I know it's only early March but this a pretty outrageous April fools joke.
Pissing off a bunch of bitter vengeful and pretty riot prone fans is a lot funnier than it sounds on paper.
I always knew you had that impish side Gary, and Colin whoah-oh! Way to get an alibi by having this stuff happen to your son's team. You really thought of everything! What's next? You guys going to release the hit out on DVD with comic book "Ka-pow!" captions right when Pacioretty's head makes contact with the stanchion? Boy you guys just kill me. At first I didn't think you had it in you, I mean when James Wisniewski got two games for pretending to give oral pleasure I really thought you were a bunch of stiffs. Since when is dick sucking not funny? Dick sucking is hilarious! I mean I laugh every time you guys get on your knees and satisfy the the four fans in Phoenix. It's a knee slapper! Which brings me to my next point, I am so glad you guys have finally sorted out your priorities. I'm sure somewhere in Pennsylvania Sidney Crosby is sitting down (because that nasty concussion sure makes it hard to stand up for long) and he is thinking "I am so happy Mr. Bettman is fighting hard to keep the health of sun belt hockey on dialysis, I'll just puke into this bucket for a little bit longer". I know a lot of people are not supporting your decision to not penalize Chara at all right now, but in time I think they will see it your way. The longterm health of a 23 year old should be compromised, I mean how else are we going to sell hockey to hotbeds like Oklahoma City and Las Vegas without our big lovable oaf Zdeno missing for 3 or 4 games. That would be the real tragedy here boys and girls! Well NHL I must be going, there seem to be some rowdy Canadiens supporters burning an effigy of a certain Slovkian defender and my dog has asthma so I will have to ask them stop. I just want you fine men to know that this is a step in the right direction to join that elite echelon of Sports Leagues like the National Lacrosse League, NFL Europe and of course, Slam Ball.
Sincerely yours,

Where's the WHA when you need it?

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

For Robert.

Dear Bobbo, you are a smelly pirate hooker. Thank you for all you support, you have inspired me to get back in the blogging game in the pursuit of fame fortune and copious amounts of cocaine. The Canadiens are mediocre as usual but they have a new supporting class including the token sassy black neighbour played by Pernell Karl Subban.
Hope this gives you the sick twisted sexual feeling that helps you get through the day.
Adios muchachos,

Friday, November 12, 2010


I have kind of given up on doing blogs after each and every game, I just want to address something I found humorous.
About a month ago, the Habs were doing okay, but it was our rivals in hogtown that were on top of the hockey world. Around the blogosphere we were hearing it from every angle how the Leafs had finally made the step to become contenders, and that superstars like Tim Brent and Clarke MacArthur were going to have huge seasons. I didn't mind it at all, good for Toronto, they were excited about a hockey team that had gone through some very crappy times, and everyone is entitled to some happiness, but then I saw something that went a little farther. A blog had made an animation that in a bright and shiny font kept a live count of how many days, hours and seconds since Carey Price had last won at home. I thought it was funny, he had struggled, but I felt that I should be able to make a comment, I mean these guys had a good sense of humor, they should be able to take it if they can dish it out right?
My comment "Guess what's a funnier stat line? It's been (Insert ridiculously longer time frame) since the Leafs have won a home game in the Playoffs???"
Instead of saying "Yeah, you're right, a quick start should not be indicative of any real success since this franchise has struggled since the lockout" I was assaulted with such intelligent rebuttals like "Well you're a troll and probably torched a car last spring!" or "Well we kicked your ass this season!" or "You shouldn't talk! You're the one who boo'ed Carey Price in the preseason!"
I don't expect the neanderthals blogging away on the shores of Lake Ontario to know my stance on the Price issue, but I don't think generalizing every Hab fan as a loud, drunk and hypocritical rioter is a very nice thing to do. I mean, I don't assume that every Leaf fan is a sweater vest wearing, luxury box owning yuppie who spends the entire game on his blackberry only to leave halfway through the third. That would constitute that the majority of Leaf fans are actually successful! I kid, I kid. To be honest, I don't mind fans of any team, good on you if you stick with a organization that has had that much frustration, but can I suggest something? Don't dish out cold hard insults to someone who watches a full season of Hockey when it's only September, because guess what, things change. You know that coach that everyone loved at the beginning of the year when you guys were 4-0-1? Well regardless of the fact that he's won of the winningest coaches in history and led team USA to the gold medal game in the Olympics, you are still calling for his head! You know that super sniper who you traded Tyler Seguin and another first rounder for? You know, that guy Mike Brophy was nominating for the Hart before he had played 20 games? Well he hasn't gotten a point in the last 7 games, and I know the comebacks that'll come my way, "Oh, he doesn't have a Center!!" or "Well Gionta and Gomez suck a lot worse, and they're getting paid more." Very true, but if they play well, we don't say "They have 7 goals??? Someone nominate them for the Ted Lindsay trophy!!!" Listen Leaf fans, don't be like the idiots in Montreal who pretend to be Hab fans only to boo our starting Goalie who happens to have FOUR! FOUR AH AH AH! wins at home. What's that you say? That's one more win at home than Jean-Sebastien Giguere? Well whaddya kow??? Listen, I'm not looking for a fight, it's very early in the season and the Canadiens have been known to go on awful losing streaks, but for all fans out there, don't count your chickens before they hatch, because you never know, one might be born with a hilarious birth defect...
That's all for now, Go Habs Go great win last night.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Back at it.

So I am back writing for you fine people,and I have a lot to cover since we blanked the Sens 3-0.
Canadiens beat the Coyotes 3-2, Andrei Kostitsyn is looking like a talented chippy Belarussian and not a smelly, fat and lazy Belarussian. Gionta and Gomez do not score.
Canadiens beat the Islanders 5-3, Kostitsyn is still great, so is Pleks. Gionta and Gomez do not score.
Canadiens beat the Islanders 3-1, Alex Auld plays his first game and is great, AK an TP are still sick, Gionta and Gomez do not score.
AAAND FINALLY Canadiens lose to the Panthers 3-1, Markov comes back, Powerplay still stinks, Price gets outplayed by Vokoun, and of course...
Gionta and Gomez do not score.
So what conclusions can we draw from these games?
A) There is cautious optimism, actually, regular optimism in Montreal as the Habs are starting to come together and it is always nice when you start the season 7-3-1 and are first in your division.
B) Andrei Kostitsyn is back, Tomas Plekanec never left, and PK Subban is quietly leading all Rookie Defenders in points. Yay
C) Our second line is not clicking, Gionta and Gomez are playing with such offensive dynamos like Mathieu Darche and Travis Moen, while an offensively talented player like Lars Eller waits on the fourth line playing only ten minutes a game with one point so far this season. Definitely not a yay.

So I trust Jacques Martin, he's been in the league a long time and has paid dividends already here in Montreal, but this second line fiasco is something I cannot understand. They don't want Eller to develop in Hamilton because they believe he has NHL talent, but then do not give him enough ice time in the big leagues to develop into a top six forward. There are already rumblings from journalists like Bob "Big Head" MacKenzie who stated that Eller is looking like he will never be more than a third liner, I'm sure his opinion would not be the same if Eller had been playing with talented guys like Gomez and Gionta, or G-Love and Gio as they are known to their friends... True story about the G-Love thing.
The Canadiens play Columbus on Tuesday, they are a beatable team, the Canadiens have been playing well to anyone who says that the Habs should not be considered contenders because of the ease of their schedule should then also dismiss the beloved Toronto Maple Leafs who are "a great team" led by Phil Kessel "Hart Trophy Nominee" according to the wildly insightful Mike Brophy.
To Canadiens fans, ignore the haters, keep supporting the squad, and this will be a good year.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Another double header.

Sorry for the laziness, history papers and being away from my computer will do that.
So let's recap what happened this week:
Habs lay an egg, play crappy, Price plays well. Canadiens lose 3-0
Habs play great, Andrei K pots two, Price plays well. Canadiens win 3-0
Can anyone guess what the stagnant force in these two games was? Not going to be an "I-TOLD-YOU-SO'ER" buuuuuuut...
Carey Price has answered the call and will be the major reason if the Canadiens have success this season, he has made the saves needed to win games, and has not been the cause of a loss, he has only kept the team in games. I'm not naive enough to think that he is going to win the Vezina, or the Hart, even though Jose Theodore did both in one year.. what was the league smoking that year...
The team is not blessed with explosive offensive juggernauts, but their first line has been dynamic and their second line finally broke through on the Powerplay with Benoit Pouliot doing what he did last year when he was on pace for a 30 goal year, being in front of the net and putting the puck in.
Next up is the Coyotes and though they should not be taken lightly, the Canadiens always have good success against them. Let's just hope Andrei Kostitsyn doesn't get annihilated like he did in 2008 when he lost all of his mojo. Be optimistic, as long as Price plays well, this team can contend.