Dear Shmoo and Nu, I am currently streaming this game online and watching the Habs on the Powerplay. They are about as successful as a nervous 16 year old trying to find a place to stick his fingers the first time he puts his hand down a girls pants. So basically they are the opposite of Brandon Golfman. They have had more shorty scoring against them than an orgy at the special olympics. I should be writing my 2,000 Political Science paper, but I value your friendships much more than a stupid passing grade in University. You are both the worst type of people. Mwah, Ethan P.S. This picture is what you are probably doing to eachother.
I was actually looking forward to this game because it would be an awesome foray back into blogging by bringing up that after almost a full season of hockey, the "fans" who booed Carey Price in the pre-season would finally have to face the oh so sweet music called "Surprise! You're a bunch of friggin' tards!" Maybe when they saw that Carey Price is top ten in every major statistical category (including first in wins and second in shutouts) they would finally shut up about trading away Jaroslav Halak who ranks an impressive 22nd in wins and 33rd in save percentage. Perhaps they would also shut up about Lars Eller being useless and a bust, since his heroics were a huge part of our victory against Boston and he has recorded 5 points in as many games. I'm not a dick, but I really wanted to "I told you so" the shit out of some hapless trolls. Yes that's a Charlie Sheen reference, the Habs are "WINNING!" aren't they? Unfortunately the ineptitude of the National Hockey League to address the safety of it's young players following the events of March 9th has left a big fart cloud over the city. Everything you could think of has been said concerning the matter and I think it's just time to wish Max Pacioretty a speedy recovery and get on to playing. The Blues are a non playoff team so therefore of course they will be a serious challenge to the Canadiens. Let's just forget about Zdeno Chara, Air Canada and however you spell "Turn-buckle" and get two big points tonight. The game is in St. Louis so there will be no assholes who will boo Halak even thought they probably bought one of those stupid stop sign T-Shirts over the summer. Enjoy the game, go Habs, and if any of you fine young ladies practice the art of erotic dance, why don't you stop by the Montreal General Hospital tonight to pay a certain young Canadien a visit. I'm sure his fiancee won't mind. It's for the good of the team. Peace true believers, E
I know what you are thinking. Hey here's another close minded homer who wants to take big Z's massive head and stick it up on a pike. Gee that's visceral. I want to move away from the blood wrath and more to an open letter to the NHL.
Dear NHL, So... You guys must think you are pretty funny. I know it's only early March but this a pretty outrageous April fools joke. Pissing off a bunch of bitter vengeful and pretty riot prone fans is a lot funnier than it sounds on paper. I always knew you had that impish side Gary, and Colin whoah-oh! Way to get an alibi by having this stuff happen to your son's team. You really thought of everything! What's next? You guys going to release the hit out on DVD with comic book "Ka-pow!" captions right when Pacioretty's head makes contact with the stanchion? Boy you guys just kill me. At first I didn't think you had it in you, I mean when James Wisniewski got two games for pretending to give oral pleasure I really thought you were a bunch of stiffs. Since when is dick sucking not funny? Dick sucking is hilarious! I mean I laugh every time you guys get on your knees and satisfy the the four fans in Phoenix. It's a knee slapper! Which brings me to my next point, I am so glad you guys have finally sorted out your priorities. I'm sure somewhere in Pennsylvania Sidney Crosby is sitting down (because that nasty concussion sure makes it hard to stand up for long) and he is thinking "I am so happy Mr. Bettman is fighting hard to keep the health of sun belt hockey on dialysis, I'll just puke into this bucket for a little bit longer". I know a lot of people are not supporting your decision to not penalize Chara at all right now, but in time I think they will see it your way. The longterm health of a 23 year old should be compromised, I mean how else are we going to sell hockey to hotbeds like Oklahoma City and Las Vegas without our big lovable oaf Zdeno missing for 3 or 4 games. That would be the real tragedy here boys and girls! Well NHL I must be going, there seem to be some rowdy Canadiens supporters burning an effigy of a certain Slovkian defender and my dog has asthma so I will have to ask them stop. I just want you fine men to know that this is a step in the right direction to join that elite echelon of Sports Leagues like the National Lacrosse League, NFL Europe and of course, Slam Ball. Sincerely yours, E
Dear Bobbo, you are a smelly pirate hooker. Thank you for all you support, you have inspired me to get back in the blogging game in the pursuit of fame fortune and copious amounts of cocaine. The Canadiens are mediocre as usual but they have a new supporting class including the token sassy black neighbour played by Pernell Karl Subban. Hope this gives you the sick twisted sexual feeling that helps you get through the day. Adios muchachos, E